A Mary Sue Alphabet: Transformers Edition
by Limmet
Summary: A is for Alexis. Poor Starscream, So brooding and dark, Such hatred and pain in his spark, Angst so strong and immense, But when Alexis waltzes in, gone is all suspense...


_**Author's notes:**__ This little Mary Sue poem idea for Transformers has been shamelessly ripped off (with permission) from Irony-chan's "A Mary Sue Alphabet" for the Harry Potter fandom. This is meant to be in good fun, and is not aimed at any specific authors or Sues. _

_Apart from a couple of canon female characters, these are all OC:s that I've made up myself for the occasion – humans as well as Transformers. And with the obvious exceptions of Alexis and Elita-1, all the names have been pulled out of my aft. If they happen to coincide with an OC of yours, I can assure you it's purely a coincidence. At the end of the day, there are only so many different names you can make out of combining 'fire', 'star', 'night', 'blade', and what have you. _

_**Acknowledgements:**__ Other than to Irony-chan for providing the original idea, thanks to HitokiriKurisuta for giving this poem a check-over before it was posted. _

_**Disclaimer:**__ Transformers doesn't belong to me in any shape or way. _

* * *

**A** is for **Alexis**

Poor Starscream  
So brooding and dark  
Such hatred and pain in his spark  
Angst so strong and immense  
But when Alexis waltzes in, gone is all suspense  
'Cause in the end we all know  
That this girl's efforts will land her  
A whiny Decepticon Air Commander

--

**B** is for **Blackspark**

Brutal and merciless  
She's the meanest of 'Cons  
Dressed in armour of deepest blue and glittering bronze  
She can easily turn any mech into scrap  
'Cause with those wicked laser cannons attached  
Firepower is, like, totally unmatched!  
In her presence, even Megatron shivers in fear  
But as soon as she turns, he'll admire her rear

--

**C** is for **Cynella**

Lust, passion and desire  
Rage in the queen of holo-smut  
Not in the slightest ashamed of being a slut  
She'll take on Optimus, Ratchet and Ironhide  
In a never-decreasing pace  
Working her way through the entire Autobot base

--

**D** is for **Darkmoon**

Being Megatron's daughter is a pain in the aft  
When the mech who has earned your attraction  
Belongs to the opposing faction  
Such angsty drama, and what will Daddy say  
When his daughter runs away?  
Her choice of lover not accepted  
Decepticon values will soon be rejected  
And what a surprise, little Darkmoon has suddenly defected!

--

**E** is for **Elita-1**

Leading the Autobot femmes  
With courage and pride  
She will always stand at Optimus' side  
Oh, a canon character she may be  
But the reason she's in this story escapes no reader:  
To take the place of the writer and hump the Autobot leader

--

**F** is for **Fireblade**

The most tragic of pasts  
Home and family eradicated in the Kaon blitz  
Captured and forced to live by only her wits  
But revenge will be served, she will not rest  
Until she has avenged her degrading enslavement  
And made circuits and energon spatter the pavement

**--**

**G** is for **Gwendolyn**

Poor girl, never fitting in, not a single friend  
So angsty, depressed, and alone  
That her heart has turned into stone  
But change did Gwendolyn's luck  
When along came a transforming truck  
Oh, Ironhide, you grumpy old Topkick  
You really should know better  
Than courting an underage goth chick

**--**

**H** is for **Hera**

Leader of the female Autobots  
She'll bravely defend the Autobot way  
With valour and vigor, a walking cliché  
No sacrifice too great, no battle too fier...  
Hey wait, hold on a minute, hun!  
What happened with Elita-1?

**--**

**I** is for **Izabell**

Nasty Decepticons, unable to love  
That was, until they came under the spell  
Of happy and sparkly Izabell!  
Her lectures quickly sowed seeds  
Now all 'Cons regret their evil deeds  
But no matter how cheerful and optimistic  
It's not in the slightest realistic  
That not even Megatron can resist  
When looking into those eyes (1) so bright

(1) You know, the ones that change colour with the light

**--**

**J** is for **Jesselee**

Imagine the surprise of the female mechanic  
Walking out to the parking lot  
And finding a wounded 'Bot  
Luckily, her workshop was close nearby  
And with such intimate knowledge of how circuits and sensors are wired  
Do I really need to tell you the next things that transpired?

--

**K** is for **Krystal Spark**

Sought after by both factions  
Shrouded in secrets and mystery  
This elusive femme holds the key  
To the fate of all the Transformers  
Rest assured, before she's gone  
She'll have saved the entire planet of Cybertron

--

**L** is for **Leandra**

This feisty girl with an attitude  
Ends up in Nemesis base  
And bravely insults the Decepticon leader to his face  
Oh, what will Megatron do to this squishie?  
Blast her with his fusion cannon, crush her to the floor?  
Make the walls drip with gore, or at least show her the door?  
No, heavens above!  
He'll fall in love!

--

**M **is for** Mary-Sue Perfectium**

A telepath and a healer  
Tech specs off the chart  
Strong, witty and smart  
A tragic past  
And a male cast  
Who all want a piece of that aft  
And should you tell the writer you think this is daft  
You'll get an angry PM for insulting her craft

--

**N** is for **Night Fyre**

The newest addition to the Autobot ranks  
Pride of the Academy, top of her class  
You better not underestimate this little lass  
Outsmarting Prowl, outwitting Jazz  
She's a fighter the likes of which no one has seen  
And created by a writer of only thirteen

--

**O** is for **Optima**

Who is this mysterious femme  
Suddenly making her arrival  
To aid in the Autobots' fight for survival  
Where did she come from? Never you mind!  
Just watch the unfolding canon slaughter  
As we get acquainted with Optimus Prime's long lost daughter

--

**P** is for **Penelope**

Resourceful and self-reliant, all alone in the world  
So street smart that you can tell with painful clarity  
That this Mary Sue is based on IDW's Verity  
But dear writer, please keep in mind  
Before Penelope utters her next eloquent curse  
That the human presence was what ruined the IDW-verse

--

**Q** is for **Quickfire**

Best bounty hunter in the galaxy  
Stealthily, she strikes like a viper  
Deadly and a most excellent sniper  
Easily catches the most hardened of 'Cons  
Oh, you better watch out, 'cause this little honey  
Will give even Devcon a run for his money

--

**R** is for **Rowena**

Golden locks falling down her back  
Ivory skin, unmarred by even a pimple  
Curves in all the right places, on her cheek a charming dimple  
Sky blue eyes with hints of emerald green  
Any guy she could have, this perfect beauty queen  
So how come her boyfriend's a metal machine?

**--**

**S **is for **Silver Star**

Petite and graceful  
Of her kind the only  
You'd expect her to get really lonely  
Being the only female Seeker ever created  
But no! There's no need for frets  
When surrounded by horny male Seeker jets!

--

**T** is for **Tristan**

Though only a weak human, a mere fleshling  
He was taken in by the Autobots, made one of them  
Became buddies with both mech and femme  
While Mary Sues are ubiquitous, you don't see this everyday  
So people, lo and behold, as Tristan makes his debut  
Though elusive and rare, here is a real Gary Stu

**--**

**U** is for **Undine**

Wrong time, wrong place  
She was just gonna visit the local ballpark  
But instead got merged with the Allspark  
Imagine the surprise on Undine's face  
Suddenly a reluctant guardian of the Cybertronian race  
But the job came with benefits as well  
Steamy romance with a robot in disguise  
To the jaded reader, hardly a surprise

**--**

**V** is for **Verena**

She didn't know exactly how it happened  
A crack in time and space, a flash of lightning  
It was so terribly frightening  
Waking up in Transformers universe  
But after throwing a few hysterical fits  
Verena soon found her wits  
And started living every fangirl's wildest dreams  
Of sexing up the studliest of machines

--

**W** is for **Wild Star**

Alt-mode so sleek and so graceful  
Racing with impressive speed  
In passers-by evoking envy and greed  
Porsche of lustrous pink, polish shining in the sun  
Chrome glistering even brighter  
Let me guess, this is the dream car of the writer

--

**X** is for **Xanthia Prime**

With women's liberation having come this far  
Now must surely be the time  
To make way for a female Prime  
In the struggle to win the heart of the fandom  
What do you think, will she have any success, or  
Instead meet the same fate as poor Hot Rod, her predecessor?

--

**Y** is for **Yasmina**

Sam has a new admirer  
Mikaela, beware, this girl will soon steal your thunder  
But in front of their screens, the fangirls all wonder:  
Poor, deluded Yasmina, just what on Earth is wrong with you?  
Surrounded by so many gorgeous mechs  
And you actually go to the token _human_ for sex?

--

**Z** is for **Zabre Claw**

And so we round up with a visit to Beast Wars  
And what have we here? Ah, the softest of furs  
The slender shape of a graceful feline and delightful purrs  
But don't be fooled, this cat can easily rip you apart  
With claws sharper than razors  
And those golden eyes – beware, they shoot lasers!

--

* * *

_**End Note:**__ Yes, I know there is no meter to speak of and little logic to what lines are rhyming, but in the end I'm not a poet and neither is English my first language, so this is the best I could do. Really.  
_

_And now that the poem is all finished, I realize, to my dismay, that I totally forgot about the 'female police officer teamed up with Barricade' Sue... Ah well. _

_**End Rant/Pointless Fan Raving:**__ A few words regarding the P verse: While I know that some peoples' opinions will differ here, I could personally not stand the focus on and overbearing presence of the three humans in the IDW comics, although I suppose that saying that it ruined the whole IDW-verse was a bit too harsh. And it particularly annoyed me that the summary claimed that these teenagers were (I cite) "pulled kicking and screaming into a hitherto hidden world of pain and hurt". Pulled kicking and screaming? From what I recall, half of "Infiltration" consisted of Verity insisting and pleading with the Autobots to let them tag along, even though Prowl had already, in his infinite wisdom, told the annoying squishies to take a hike (not necessarily in those words). No wonder he's my favourite Transformer. ;)  
_


End file.
